Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
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If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.