ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
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If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.