PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
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(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*