[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
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All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I have obtained a hat
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad