*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
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can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off