Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
who did the taste test?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH