Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
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I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!