NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD