Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
You Might Also Like
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
It’s an epidemic…
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.