chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
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Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if