If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
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Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.