Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
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The options really are this bad
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Tier 3 meme
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”