“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
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I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I need better friends
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
My favorite type of men is ramen.
wow
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.