Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Mornin
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
are there any atheist mantises?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year