A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
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Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.