*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
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forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I told my vodka about you.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes