“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
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“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.