Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
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“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
New mindset, who dis?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
is it earth
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.