Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
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Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
spot the difference
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
can’t talk my ride’s here
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
guilty
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]