This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
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Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Received some very disappointing news today
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂