By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
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I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me: