What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
#math
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.