“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I only say stupid things when I talk.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?