“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
You Might Also Like
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
had to make it
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?