Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
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The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
never compromise your values
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”