excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
You Might Also Like
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Catering service
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.