We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
You Might Also Like
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.