My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
You Might Also Like
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Ha.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes