Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
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(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
my sentiments exactly
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Body by sandwich.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.