Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
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[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
my one true gender
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.