You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.