Added some new forms of payment to this store…
You Might Also Like
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
This is hilarious….
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭