i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
LMAO.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza: