I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
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He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
This was the best day of my life
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*