There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.