I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST