I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
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*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
what if we kissed on the garfield couch