Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
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My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Pikachu found the lost joint
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.