Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Guilty! 🤪
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Thursday Thought.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play