Don’t forget to tip your server
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[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Software Development ⛵️
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.