My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF