This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99