I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
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RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.