Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
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[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Customer is always right
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues