Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
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Sniffing the broccoli
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me