I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
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I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.