[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
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Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
i really liked this one
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you