Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
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i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.