Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
You Might Also Like
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back