When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Just this preview of the story is enough